英文爆笑笑話

　　如今網絡上的段子頻頻爆火，很多梗都被大家運用到了日常的生活和對話當中，增加了生活的樂趣。除此之外，還有一些非常經典的笑話，人們每每看到都會捧腹大笑。下面是小編幫大家整理的(實用)英文爆笑笑話，希望能夠幫助到大家。

　　1、A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr.Swift used to send him presents

　　occasionally by her servant.Dr.Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble.One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits.” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel.Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson.” The boy sat down. Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited. The boy said“Come in.” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields.” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself.” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip.

　　2、Give up your seat to a lady

　　Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

　　"Youve done the right thing," says Mommy.

　　"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddys lap."

　　3、Five Months Older

　　The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

　　But Johns brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boys family name, so when he saw Johns papers, he was surprised.

　　"How old are you?" he said.

　　"Eighteen, sir," said John.

　　"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

　　"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."

　　4、Lose One Pound

　　I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldnt resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "Thats not bad for a man of my age." Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"

　　5、Intelligent son

　　One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didnt write the address and addressees name on the envelope.

　　After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"

　　"Certainly"

　　"You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?"

　　"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

　　"Then why you didnt take it back?"

　　"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"

　　6、Learning to Share

　　Johnny divided a piece of pie into two pieces, kept the bigger piece for himself and gave the smaller piece to his sister.

　　"Hey," said his sister, "if Id divided the pie, I would have kept the smaller piece for myself. "

　　"Well, thats what you got, so what are you complaining about?"

　　7、Answer the Iron

　　A guy walks into his office ,and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

　　The boss says,"What happened to your ears?"

　　He says,"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang!I accidentally answered the iron.

　　The boss says,"Well,that expains one ear,but what happened to your other ear?"

　　He says,"Well,jeez,I had to call the doctor!"

　　8、Social Worker

　　Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening.

　　They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane.Upon investigation,

　　they found a semiconscious man in a pool of blood.

　　"Help me,Ive been mugged and viciously beaten " he pleaded.

　　The two social workers turned and walked away .

　　One remarked to her colleague: " You know the person that did this really needs help."

　　9、Sharing the Apples

　　Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said.

　　So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one.

　　Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me Id have given you the large one and had the small one myself.

　　Well, said Harry, thats what youve got, so what are you worrying about?

　　10、Who is that woman?

　　The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificentblonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?" When thecouple reached their room, the piqued bride demanded: "Who was that woman?!" "Take it easy,honey," said the groom, "Im going to have trouble enough explaining you to her."

　　11、Heart Transplant

　　A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

　　The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

　　Another doctor runs into the room and says,

　　"you are in luck,two hearts just became avaible ,so you will get to choose which one you want.One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

　　The man quickly responds,"the attorneys ."

　　The doctor says,"Wait!Dont you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

　　The man says,"I already know enough.We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorneys probably never used his .So I will take attorneys!"

　　12、Three Turtles

　　Three turtles decided to have a cup of coffee. Just as they got into the cafe, it started to rain. The biggest turtle said to the smallest one, " Go home and get the umbrella."

　　The little turtle replied, "I will, if you dont drink my offee."

　　"We wont," the other two promised.

　　Two years later the big turtle said to the middle turtle, "Well, I guess he isnt coming back, so we might as well drink his coffee."

　　Just then a voice calledfromoutside the door, "If you do, I wont go."

　　13、Where Am I?

　　An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

　　"Yes, " the farmer looked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."

　　14、three will

　　Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

　　15、Which woman?

　　One evening I drove my husbands car to the shopping mall. On my return, I noticed that howdusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I calledout."The woman who loves you the most in the　world just cleaned your headlights andwindshield."

　　My husband looked up and said, "Moms here?"

　　16、I am afraid of that too

　　After some laborious hours at her painting, she rose and 　called her husband, a famouspainter."Come and look at my picture, dear. Im so satisfied with the result that Im afraid thatpeople will mistake it for your work."

　　After a carful study of the painting, the artist replied, "Im afraid of that too."

　　17、Visual Training

　　The squad were having “visual training”. One smart recruit was asked by the officer to count how many men composed a digging party in a distant field.The party was so faraway that the men appeared as mere dots， but unhesitatinglythe recruit replied： “Sixteen men and a sergeant，sir.” “Right;but how do you know theres a sergeant there?” “Hes not doing any digging,sir.”

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